Week XLI (374): Bill Us Later


Old Expression: A watched pot never boils.
New Expression: A watched download never completes.

Old Expression: You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
New Expression: Andy Rooney won't be gettin' jiggy anytime soon.

Old Expression: Playing with fire
New Expression: Taking a hairpin turn in a Hazmat with Firestone Radials 

This week's contest was proposed by Greg Arnold of Herndon: Take a well-known expression and update it for the new millennium, as in the examples above. First-prize winner gets a genuine Winslow High sweat shirt, a promotional item sent out to newspapers by the dreadful new TV show "Boston Public," in the hopes of getting good publicity. It is worth $ 40. First runner-up wins the tacky but estimable Style Invitational Loser Pen. Other runners-up win the coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt. The Uncle's Pick wins the shockingly ugly "The Uncle Loves Me" T-shirt. Send your entries via fax to 202-334-4312, or by e-mail to losers@washpost.com, or by U.S. mail to The Style Invitational, Week XLI, c/o The Washington Post, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071. Deadline is Monday, Nov. 13. All entries must include the week number of the contest and your name, postal address and a daytime or evening telephone number. E-mail entries must include the week number in the subject field. Contests will be judged on the basis of humor and originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Editors reserve the right to edit entries for taste or content. Results will be published in four weeks. No purchase required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, and their immediate relatives, are not eligible for prizes.

REPORT FROM WEEK XXXVIII (370), in which we asked you to supply the beginnings of sentences we don't want to hear the end of.

* Fourth Runner-Up: "Now, I'm not prejudiced or nuthin', but I gotta say . . ." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

* Third Runner-Up: "We are now making our approach to National Airport, and I have locked the cabin door and lit seven candles, as commanded by my dog, Buster, and . . ." (John Verba, Washington)

* Second Runner-Up: "It looks like when they built your basement, they did a kind of funny thing . . ." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

* First Runner-Up: "And with the first pick in the NBA draft, the Washington Wizards selected 8-foot-2-inch Sven Carlsson of the University of Oslo, whom team scouts predict . . ." (Peter G. Miller, Silver Spring)

* And the winner of the Candy Sand:

"Sir, uh, me and your daughter . . ." ( Bill Chang, Ithaca, N.Y.)

* Honorable Mentions:

"Ready, aim . . ." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel; Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

"With all due respect . . ." (Jason K. Schechner, Leesburg; Russell Beland, Springfield)

"Hi, I'm Sally Stru . . ." (James Pierce, Charlottesville)

"Okay, what if in Episode 39, Mr. Spock had sabotaged the Romulan cloaking device and . . ." (David Genser, Arlington)

"I hereby nominate as secretary of education J. Danforth Quayle, because of his unfilching deviation to . . ." (David Genser, Arlington)

"Mom, I know you said I couldn't get my EARS pierced, so . . ." (David Genser, Arlington)

"Fifty percent of patients with your condition . . ." (Katharine M. Butterfield, Potomac)

"Hello? Hello? If you signed a donor card, blink once, and . . ." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

"First, I'd like to thank the academy . . ." (Gary Patishnock, Laurel)

"I'd like to go around the table and have each person . . ." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

"In what experts are emphasizing is merely a long-overdue market correction . . ." (Robin D. Grove, Pasadena, Md.)

"We interrupt the State of the Union message for a special . . ." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

"People of the planet Earth . . ." (Stu Solomon, Springfield)

"Good evening. Is this Mr. or Mrs. Eee-wing, er, Ooo-wing . . ." (Jerry Ewing, Fairfax)

"Listen, Missy, as long as you live under our roof . . ." (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

"In accordance with Islamic law, I sentence you . . ." (Sarah W. Gaymon, Gambrills)

"Wasssuuuu . . ." (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

"You have the right to remain . . ." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"Go right ahead and scream because no one . . ." (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

"Leading by 17 runs going into the ninth inning tonight, the Orioles . . ." (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)

"Marion Barry announced today that he is testing the waters for a possible . . ." (Judith E. Cottrell, New York)

Only on Sunday is not enough, so The Style Invitational will now . . ." (Mitch Bernstein, Washington)

* The Uncle's Pick:

The Uncle Explains . . . (Fred S. Souk, Reston)

The Uncle Explains: Mr. Souk is making an excellent observation and simultaneously pricking a delicious irony; namely, that although The Uncle's Pick delivers a hearty chuckle, it also sadly signals the end of that week's Style Invitational.

Next Week: Ask Backwards